The below given is a pictorial representation of how our mind tends to classify people. Its most commonly called as Rings of Intimacy. The farther the ring goes, the more distant are the people in that ring from the particular person.
Let me begin from the farthest ring in the diagram.
1) Strangers : The most common and the highest populated circle in the diagram is the Strangers ring. These are the people whom you usually know nothing about. It can considered as the friends-recruitment area of our mind. They might either stand a chance of going into ur next ring or not. It all depends on the wavelength of thought between the person and the stranger. If they tend to share common interests or common ways of thinking, they would automatically wanna know about each other and then the stranger would slowly move into the next closest ring to a person.
2) Acquaintances : This ring is slightly smaller than the previous one. People from the strangers sections come into this ring. Its here that the strangers and that particular individual come to know about each other more. Here they learn what are their core interests. They know about each others family, backgrounds in life etc. At this stage, the brain subconsciously tries to find out whether it can promote this person to the next level. Scrutinized comparison of tastes and character takes place at this stage. Usually it takes some serious amount of time to move on from this stage to next and its not an easy one too.
3) Close friends : Well, till now it has been a straight forward journey for the person involved. But now, the story takes a whole new turn. Once the person is in the close friends category, then the level of openness between the two people starts to increase dramatically. They slowly start to share their 'not so private' secrets. They start to become more and more comfortable with each other. This state of relation usually continues for a very long period of time. The brain does heavy scrutinizing work before it even thinks about taking the person to the next level. This is also a very important stage for a relationship; because its here that the word 'Trust' is most prominent. Here they build trust on each other. Its actually this level of trust which finally determines whether the person will move into the next level or not.
4) Intimates : You would have observed in the diagram that as you get closer to 'Self', the size of the ring decreases. Its because the brain does extreme filtering between the rings. Its here that the people share everything about each other...especially their private thoughts and secrets. Once a person has got into this ring of another person, we can say that there will be no secret about each other that they wont know about. Their bond will be so close to each other.
As a person progresses from the outermost ring to the inner most ring of another person, many things become stronger and stronger. For example, Trust, mutual understanding, adjusting ability, caring for each other etc etc. Its one of the most beautiful journeys to a person's heart. But of course there are several complications and sub divisions involved. As you can see in the diagram, even inside a particular ring, there is space which is closer to next ring or farther from next ring and also The borders or boundaries of each ring. These are the most important sections which many people dont understand and make really serious mistakes.
The most interesting thing is that Men and women seem to treat these rings in a different way. Women sometimes behave to acquaintances like they behave to their close friends. And this leads the acquaintance to think that he/she has become a close friend of the other. And in their mind, they progress the person to the next level. But unfortunately in the other person's mind, he/she would still be in the 'Acquaintance' circle !!!. And what happens is that the comfort level between two people will start to reduce and tensions will start to appear. This is because the person who misunderstood the signal will start to behave more closely to the other person, making the other person think that 'He/She is crossing the limits'. Which in turn will create problems. Men usually on the other hand are clear cut about their boundaries, but of course there are exceptions.
There are two instances in life where this 'journey' from the outermost ring to the inner most ring does not happen the way as i have mentioned above.
1) Falling in Love : When a man and woman are attracted to each other, whether it is one way or two way attraction, the transition from stranger to intimate takes a shortcut!!!!!!!! . If a person is romantically attracted to other, then the brain will sub-consciously decide to take the person from stranger to the Intimate level in the shortest time possible. In fact, the brain would have already kept aside a place for that person in the Intimate circle. And so, since the place is already booked, the other transitions will only be a formality as far as the mind is concerned. Then the goal of the brain will turn to taking us into the Intimate circle of other person. Our mind will do everything it can to speed up the transition procedure. Things like 'Trying to impress', giving signs of attraction to the other person etc are these processes mainly involved. The urge to get the person into the other person's intimate circle is so strong that, if he/she fails in the process, often a deep depression sets in. But fortunately, most people recover from it. In arranged marriages, the same process happens at an even faster pace with the risk of loosing each other minimized. Its safer in a sense. But the pain of breaking apart in a married couple will be much much stronger compared to an unmarried couple.
2) Parent Hood : Another amazing example is parent hood. In this, the life of a child starts at the Intimate circle of a parent!!. Its actually a reverse process. For a long period of time, say up to teenage, the child remains in the intimate circle of the parents and as the time progresses, the distance increases. Its a very risky and tricky process because the parents should learn to make sure that they dont venture outside the child's 'Close friends' ring. Because if they do, then they will loose control over the child. And its also most important that the parents keep their child in their intimate circle, but at the same time behave to him/her like a close friend or at the most a friend. Parents should be able to place themselves in the 'Intimate' - "Close friend' boundary line of the child as time progresses. This according to me is the best place for a parent to be. That is because at this line, the child will not only respect the parent, but at the same time will also be as open as he/she will be to a close friend. Any farther or any closer, will either make the child un-controllable or un-comfortable respectively; especially once he/she reaches the end of teenage. Its a very very complicated and delicate balancing act. But if mastered, will make it one of the most beautiful relationships in the world.
I have been mentioning about boundary lines between circles in my last two paragraphs. Well, there is a very very sensitive and important boundary line in the diagram that i have shown above. Its the line between 'Self' and 'Intimates'. Its a proven fact that only one person can ever occupy that position. That is your life partner. They are the people who can ever get this close..or at least stand a chance of getting this close. Its the strongest and the most powerful two-way bond in life. Parent hood comes only second to it.
What all i have written in this post is completely from my own experience in life. As far as i knw, its the hardest to push a person from the inner circle to the outer circle. And the level of difficulty becomes more and more as we go deeper and deeper. But sometimes in life, we are forced to take such decisions. So always make sure in life that you always position different people in the right 'Rings' where they should belong.
So let me conclude by hoping that this post from my heart was helpful to all those 'confused' people in relationships, who often get hurt just because they dont know how to correctly place people into 'The Rings of Intimacy'....
1 comment:
wow! thats quite an impressive research you've done, sree!
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